So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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