Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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