life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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