well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
