So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
