I wannas sexs uuuuu
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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