Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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