You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
