He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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