i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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