i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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