where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
