I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
