high people should be assigned attendants
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
