I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
