Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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