I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
