He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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