nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
