Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize