Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
