You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
