I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
