that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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