She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
