OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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