Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
