You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
vagina is talking i cant
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
