I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
When are your genitals available?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
