I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize