Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
