I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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