...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize