I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
