apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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