i was born a porn star she said
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
