dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
