Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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