just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
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