I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
