Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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