True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize