I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
