my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
