so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
