Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
