I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
