My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
