And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
