last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
