My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize