You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
