I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I believe in your delicious
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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