Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
