Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
