awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
