You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
