i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
