That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
