That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize